I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and
cuddled my two children on demand, visited the
doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty two
cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to
attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout
sash with staples and a glue gun.


I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my
son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the
laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll
find anymore free time in the next 18 years.


Here are my Christmas wishes:


I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of
chasing kids (in any colour, except purple, which I
already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze,
but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out
of the candy aisle in the grocery store.


I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in
the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If I'm eligible
for a 'biggy' this year, top of my list would be a car,
It would have to have fingerprint resistant windows and
a radio that only plays adult music.


I could settle for a television that doesn't broadcast
any programs containing talking animals:- or a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper
where I can hide to talk on the phone.


On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll
that says "Yes Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty trained toddler, two kids who don't
fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way
up without the use of power tools.


I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting,
"Don't eat in the living room" and 'Take your hands off 
your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my
children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.


And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest
stocking stuffer this year for mothers of pre-schoolers.
It comes in three fluorescent colours and is guaranteed
to crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem
just like mine. 


If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle
for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the
same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room
temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles
to brighten the holiday season.


Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?
It would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful
if you could coerce my children to help around the house
without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of
an organized crime family:- or if my toddler did not look
so cute sneaking downstairs to eat ice cream in his pyjamas
at midnight.


Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw
my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his
crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet
boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so
you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table,
but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.


Yours Always
Mom


PS One more thing... you can cancel all my requests if you
can keep my children young enough to believe in you.

Midi Playing "Jingle Bell Rock"